I didn’t go to work today, we write the availability we have and they give us hours to work. But I highlighted out the hours they gave me to work for today, don’t know if I’ll get in trouble for it or not but part of me doesn’t care. I thought it would be good to give myself a break. Maybe enjoy time hanging out with people and not think about work. Maybe eat lunch after church or go out for riding all afternoon. Or maybe go work on the bikes and take pictures…all were possibilities. I headed home straight after I got off work at 4. something was bugging me and I didn’t know what. I decided I would go home and rest, shower, then maybe I would feel better. I came home sat on the couch, turned on the television and ended up sitting there all night. My parents came in close to 1pm didn’t know I was there. They were asking why I didn’t pick up my phone, I told them I just felt sick. Honestly, I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want their company or any other noise, although I had the tv blaring for all afternoon, evening and early morning. I passed out on the couch, woke up to my mom coming into my room nagging about how I need to manage my time better and watch what I do the night before. I did NOTHING. I sat at home…I just couldn’t get out of bed. I finally got up, took a shower, headed off to church. Service started and ended, I headed back home. Once I got home, I went back to bed. I wasn’t tired. It wasn’t sleep I wanted…. I laid there staring out my window. Uncomfortable with my mom in the house. Not wanting to have any arguments or talk of me, life, anything. I just wanted to be there, by myself, and not have to think of what somebody else is wanting from me. And as I laid there I began to feel something…something I had been able to keep cold and suppressed. I have been operating under tight scheduling, making sure my day is written down for every hour so that I do not have to stop and wonder what to do. I guess it saves me the trouble of feeling alone. Or at least gives me less chance to feel it. But today as I lay there in my bed…the whole day open to me…I felt that familiar pang in my chest. Then the thoughts and feelings that I had held back broke through the walls I had put around it, flooding my body with emotions I didn’t realize I had in me. Taking me by surprise, I didn’t know what to do. I must hide this weakness, but what do I do? I cant control it. It shakes my body as I try to hold it in. there is a leak in this fortress of mine, my face betrays me, but with no one around what does it matter. I can hurt and I can bleed. No one will see the matter. With no one around it’s more room for me. But this isn’t what I want… i should open up? For what? Hahahahaha for more pain? More disappointment? There’s a part of me that wants to step back out, like one who’s innocence and goodness has not been marred…but how? And for what, to have it ripped out of me again? No thanks. Wisdom. I should think and act upon wisdom. Where has it gone. I know how should be… This pain that tears through me, feeds me…. I know I can stop it. I want to. But I constanly find myself tuning it all out. I go through my week like a automated machine…. Keeping everything planned, giving myself barely any room to feel I can do better than this. | 
